Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
