i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
