I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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