If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
