My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
