if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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