Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
