I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
