I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize