Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
