burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
