She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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