just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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