I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
