yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
