Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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