I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
