Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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