I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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