I threw up into my coffee this morning.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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