So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize