Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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