there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
