Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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