U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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