i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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