i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
even my farts smell like vagina
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
