Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
