My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
