Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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