I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize