I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
