Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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