CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
