I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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