Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I looked at my own cervix.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
