You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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