She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
