just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
