Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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