While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize