just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
