so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
