well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
