I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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