I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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