Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
