On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
