how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
