Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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