I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
