I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
