if only i could text you this smell
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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