i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
