I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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