I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
