Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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