When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
