She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
