I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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