I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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